


Wave

by kirinz19



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-05
Updated: 2015-07-05
Packaged: 2018-04-07 18:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,458
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4273722
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kirinz19/pseuds/kirinz19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maybe it was the way the light fell on him, or how he was dressed that day, or it might have been something else, or a combination of many things – it didn't change the fact that Chanyeol suddenly found himself falling for Byun Baekhyun.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Wave

**Author's Note:**

> Song lyrics used in this fic: "Original sin" by Elton John

Love was rising in him like a warm, soft wave, quiet in its overwhelming power. It filled his heart to the brim, made his fingertips ache for contact with Baekhyun's skin. And to see that his hand was right there, so close to his own... He could feel himself reach for it, the decision bypassing his brain, an unconscious gesture dictated entirely by the new feeling, born several hours ago, but since then having grown so much that now it almost made him burst.

He meant to take Baekhyun's hand, but, as if having felt his impulse, Baekhyun brought it away, pointing at something and laughing, and Chanyeol laughed, too, mildly amused at how sincere it sounded, as his gesture died in an awkward pat on the back.

Unlike so many, he could remember exactly when it started.

They were at the airport, heading for China, and it maybe it was the way the light fell on him, or how he was dressed that day, or it might have been something else, or a combination of many things – it didn't change the fact that Chanyeol suddenly found himself falling for Byun Baekhyun.

He couldn't sleep that night; he felt his whole body fizz with energy, his limbs begging for movement, making it impossible to keep still for a long time. He tossed and turned in his bed, and he was painfully aware of his roommates' breathing, and of all the sounds coming from the outside. Once he sprung up, ready to run, run, run, as fast and as far as he could, but in his hurry he woke up the entire room and the manager, and ended up smiling awkwardly in their sleepy annoyed faces, explaining he only wanted to get a glass of water. Afterwards he visited the bathroom, splashed some cold water on his face, and returned back to bed. He fell asleep instantly and saw no dreams.

In a desperate attempt to protect himself, terrified to give away his feelings, he did his best to stay away from Baekhyun without appearing to be openly hostile. He ended up hanging around way too much with Kyungsoo, doing a lot more fanservice than was expected of them; he constantly drank energizers and was all smiles, stupid jokes and laughter. He wondered if he always had it in him, this ability to maintain astonishing contrast between his true feelings and his exterior, or if it came with the Wave.

Baekhyun, apparently, didn't notice anything. He readily provided his company if Chanyeol wanted it, and didn't seem to mind if he didn't. He only manifested confusion once, when Chanyeol went too far with Kyungsoo onstage, getting dizzy from fans' chanting, forgetting himself for a few moments, toeing the line he knew Kyungsoo found intolerable. In between their performances, Kyungsoo cut him a heavy blow in thestomach, and, as mangers and other members ran to pull them apart, he could see Baekhyun arching his eyebrows at him questioningly. He wasn't mocking him, or laughing – he seemed genuinely concerned, but Chanyeol still felt mortally embarrassed, and, as the color was rushing to his cheeks, it was Baekhyun, and not Kyungsoo, that he wanted to hit back.

At times, he felt drunk. He wondered stupidly what would happen if he just barged in and told Baekhyun how he felt. Or if he kissed him. He even made up plans, several times he went so far as to search the neighborhood for flower shops. But this mostly happened at night, and in the mornings he woke up, feelings askew, wondering if he actually contemplated those impossible possibilities, or if it was just a dream (he always opted for the dream; it made the situation more bearable).

His manager, though, was a nosy bastard, and, even with all the effort Chanyeol put into appearing as easy-going and careless as ever, he still figured out that something was wrong, and, in his overly polite and roundabout manner, offered Chanyeol the business card of a well-known psychologist. Chanyeol made it through the ritual of smile-thank you-this will help-I'll keep it-smile, and surreptitiously threw the card away at the earliest opportunity.

He considered leaving; at the moment he was so strained he was prepared to face the unpleasant consequences. But, having pretty much nowhere else to go (if he wanted something even remotley resembling a career), he had to decide against it.

In the meantime, the Wave continued to wash over him, intensity different, but the force persistent, drawing him towards Baekhyun almost against his will. During practice, when they danced next to each other, and he felt Baekhyun moving so close to him, felt the delicate scent of his body, it made him want to scream and laugh at the same time. He heard a lot of songs about love and heartbreak; now he felt that every singe one was about him, and was amazed at how precisely what he felt was described in them.

And, just when Chanyeol started thinking that at least this couldn't get any worse, the duet happened.

They were to perform together, Baekhyun and him; Baek would sing and he was on the guitar, joining in for several lines in the lyrics. This meant three additional hours of practice, only them and occasionally the tutor. In the evenings, when other members left either to rest or to do personal practice of their own, they would lock themselves in a small studio, singing and singing the same song all over again until their throats were sore. Then they would get cheap tea from the vending machine downstairs, and sing some more.

This song, it was about love, of course, and at first Chanyeol was scared of it – scared he would get overpowered by it, lose control, say something he would regret... But too soon, being repeated tens of times every day, the song turned into a simple sequence of sounds, and he stopped thinking about its meaning whatsoever.

Wierdly, though, Chanyeol found himself getting increasingly nervous about their performance onstage. It was unusual and therefore unnerving – he was used to being confident and calm, and even if he made mistakes, he recovered easily and was fast to catch the rhythm again. Moreover, he couldn't quite put his finger down on the reason of this anxiety – it wasn't Baekhyun, it wasn't the song itself, and it wasn't their level of preparation - they were better than perfect with this song, they could perform it with their eyes closed. But then, what? What was wrong? He had no answer.

And, inevitably, the evening before the concert came, and found him jittering with nervous excitement, half-hoping tomorrow would never come and half-wishing it was already over. That day, he was suddenly too aware, too sensitive, and, as he had feared at the beginning, the song struck him right in the heart.

_Oh the furnace wind_  
Is a flickering of wings about your face  
In a cloud of incense  
Yeah, it smells like Heaven in this place... 

Baekhyun's voice was flawless, it fit the song ideally and flowed effortlessly with the melody, rich with emotion. His eyes were closed, brows arched in a light frown – he was concentrating on singing, and in his head and heart there was no room for anything else at this moment of time.

_I can't eat, can't sleep  
Still I hunger for you when you look at me..._

Chanyeol's voice betrayed him, went too high, creating an unpleasant sound, reminding him of sharp claws on glass. Baekhyun stared at him. Silence stretched.

“You know we're singing this tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah...”

“You can't do this at our last practice and act as if nothing happened. You do this onstage, we're screwed,” - Baekhyun's voice was different now, tinted with annoyance and exhaustion. But all Chanyeol could hear was him singing; he had to use all of his remaining willpower to catch the actual words.

“I know, I know. Look, I'm tired. Let's just start over.”

And they did, and it went well – more than well, it was probably their best try.

_Tell me how, you know now_  
The ways and means  
Of getting in  
Underneath my skin  
Oh, you were always my original sin 

And suddenly, the senseless sounds of the song turned into words, powerful words full of meaning and emotion, and Chanyeol wasn't singing it, he was saying it to him, trying to convey the months of confusion, terror, colorful dreams and unsatisfying reality, struggling to make him hear his tears and his laughter and his doubts and his wishes and the words he whispered at night, digging his face in the pillow.

It was Chanyeol's love song.

They sang this song together countless times, and yet now it was somehow new, fresh and edgy, and with it, came the last surge of the Wave, the most overwhelming of all.

And Chanyeol could feel himself turning to Baekhyun, locking eyes with him, because he was looking back, there was no way he couldn't have heard, couldn’t have felt...

_Up in the balcony_  
All the Romeos are bleeding for your hand  
Blowing theater kisses  
Reciting lines they don't understand 

_I can't eat, can't sleep  
Still I hunger for you when you look at me  
That face, those eyes  
All the sinful pleasures deep inside... ___

__...His heart was racing, his eyes, his voice, his entire body working to deliver one single message – this is for you, this is _to_ you, take it and do what you please, only take it, take it, _take it_ from me._ _

__The song ended, music dying in the dynamics, and he stared at Baekhyun, waiting for him to say or do something. Because surely he understood, surely..._ _

__...Baekhyun smiled widely, and said:_ _

__“Wow... That was really something, dude! Now, you just keep some of that for the stage, and the fans will go insane, that I can promise you.”_ _

__Chanyeol stood still. Baekhyun, unaware of his lack of enthusiasm, continued:_ _

__“I mean, you did pretty well, but today – that was something special. Well, I call it a night, then. Let's wrap up and try to get some sleep, tomorrow's the big day.”_ _

__Chanyeol nodded, searching desperately for words and not finding any. He felt something new, a coldness creeping upon him. In silence they collected their things and headed out of the studio._ _

__Back in the dorms, Baekhyun waved at him and disappeared promptly behind the door of his room. Chanyeol stood for a while in the corridor, then made it for his own room, flopped down on the bed and closed is eyes. It would all be just as well, he was prepared to believe it, if it only was not for what he had seen in Baekhyun's eyes when he was singing. What he saw told him it was not a misunderstanding. It was a choice._ _

__Inside, he could feel the Wave subside, calm down, and, slowly, disappear. In the following weeks he would realize that it was gone, it was all gone, and he was finally free. Only he didn't feel the freedom, much as he used to long for it. He only felt emptiness. He allowed the coldness to envelope him, and shield his feelings from the rest of the world. He found it easier to live this way._ _

__* * *_ _

__It was their seventh comeback this far, and they were celebrating the tenth win. Chanyeol was comfortably drunk, lying on the couch with his legs outstretched, making it difficult for others to move around. Not that there was a lot of moving around at this stage, though. He had a glass of some ambiguous alcohol, from time to time taking generous swings and contemplating his life so far._ _

__Chanyeol felt happy. He felt on top of the world. He was young, good-looking, rich and popular. Their song was topping charts all across Asia, and was even decently well-known in the US. What more could he wish for?_ _

__Baekhyun half-fell down beside him, also holding a glass of amber liquid, and, as far as Chanyeol could judge, quite a bit tipsy. He was babbling something about the group, as usual, sliding in snide remarks about Suho._ _

__Perhaps it was the alcohol, or the fact that it had been years (and it felt even longer), or both, but Chanyeol found himself saying:_ _

__“I used to love you, you know. Like we sing in our songs – going crazy about you, ready to turn down mountains at your word, all that. I remember wanting to just come in with flowers and a ring and confess. Not that I wasn't scared – I was, of course. I tried everything, but it just wouldn't go. I remember I thought it was forever, and I had no idea how I was going to deal with it for the rest of my life. It was... so big. Yeah, big. That's why I was scared, I think. Because it was so much bigger than me. And stronger. Funny, that. Now, put into perspective, it seems like a small, humorous episode. Maybe it even happened to other people. Maybe even other members of Exo. We'll never know, I guess.”_ _

__He was aware, now, that Baekhyun went very silent. He wanted to turn and look at him, but found that he couldn't. Then, slowly, choosing words, Baekhyun started to speak._ _

__“I was popular at school. I mean, there were lots of girls who would've been happy to go out with me. And I used it. But I was always the clown, they liked me because I made them laugh. Well... I realized that a bit later. At school I just felt dissatisfied and annoyed, but I played my role still, because being liked was... nice. Later I came to understand that I wanted people to like the whole me. Like, not only the happy funny guy they see onstage, but also everything I actually am. But it didn't work out for a while. Nobody saw me for who I was, or nobody bothered to, I don't know. And then I met you. And I think that you were also a bit like me. I mean, I think you also used to make people laugh in order for them to like you. And I could see that you were ready to accept me with all the flaws and bad things and... stuff. And of course, of course, of course I was in love with you. From the very beginning.”_ _

__Chanyeol took another sip of whatever he was currently drinking, but the taste was ashen on his tongue._ _

__“But it passed,” - he heard someone say, only several seconds later realizing the harsh, broken voice was his own._ _

__“Yeah,” - he could hear Baekhyun answer from far, far away, - “It all passed.”_ _


End file.
